Democ­racy, the big “D.” It is all about the rep­re­sen­ta­tion of the peo­ple, through their fran­chise, in the Gov­ern­ment of the land.  The legit­i­mate vic­tor in the cur­rent con­test should be the one that best reflects Canada.  So before we endorse one can­di­date or another, let us take account of just who and what Canada is at this moment.

Canada is pros­per­ous because it is thinly pop­u­lated and chock-o-block with nat­ural resources.

Our econ­omy isn’t about mak­ing stuff like machin­ery or con­tent. It does not depend on the sec­ondary pro­cess­ing of our resources. Despite what we some­times pre­tend, ours is not a knowl­edge econ­omy — it’s a strip mine econ­omy.  Our econ­omy is about let­ting giant multi­na­tional com­pa­nies come in and take what non­re­new­able resources they like for a pay-off. Because we are a mod­est peo­ple, the kick­back need not be grandiose.  What do we need?  A dozen Coors Light, a quad, cable tele­vi­sion and a double-double on the way to work.  We aren’t greedy but we are suckers.

We used to be largely mid­dle class but that’s proven too ambi­tious.  How about being serfs instead? There’s a lot less to think about that way. The NDP still hold some views that read sus­pi­ciously like they sort of might intend to just slightly more equi­tably redis­trib­ute the country’s wealth, though they have been work­ing over­time to ditch those. Here, Cana­di­ans stand with one of our great heroes, the buf­foon and bigot, Don Cheery.  For­get it, pinkos.

We have sim­ple tastes in cul­ture, too.  We like to watch the Amer­i­can enter­tain­ment prod­uct called “Cana­dian hockey” but, owing to our mod­esty, not Cana­dian sto­ries. We aren’t much into art. We read a novel seven years ago … well we started it anyway.

Almost none of us go to gal­leries, that’s for fags.

We don’t go to the the­atre because you can catch clap from the seats there.

We are will­fully anti-intellectual.

Despite the over­whelm­ing evi­dence that safe injec­tion sites and gun reg­istries work, we are against them.  Why?  Because we are — so fuck off.

A national cen­sus would give the state empir­i­cal evi­dence on which to base deci­sions. But we are against empir­i­cal evi­dence in favour of what we believe, so why bother? And “the state” sort of creeps us out anyway.

We are intol­er­ant evan­gel­i­cal Chris­tians, Catholic ped­erasts, delu­sional Québé­cois suprema­cists, Sikh zealots and Hindu fanat­ics, Israel-lobby Jews and deranged Mus­lims.  We believe in magic, not sci­ence. To sec­u­lar human­ists look­ing around ask­ing  “wha’ hap­pened?” we say “the coun­try changes when you for­get to breed, so get a one-way plane ticket to Europe, Ivan.”

Michael Ignati­eff  cops to hav­ing been a “pub­lic intel­lec­tual.”  So brainiac is out. God will pun­ish him.

Since we men­tion Europe, what of our dimin­ish­ing inter­na­tional rep­u­ta­tion?  Who cares.  We remain sin­gu­larly focused on the True North Strong and Free and have very lit­tle inten­tion of trav­el­ing any­where beyond the Caribbean or Mex­ico for a spring vacation.

We drive. A lot. We live in far flung places of very low den­si­ties.  These places are alter­nately freez­ing fuck­ing cold or stink­ing fuck­ing hot.  We need a lot of petro­chem­i­cal power to drive to our places and then to heat and cool them.  Let’s just get past any idea that we give a shit about the envi­ron­ment.  Come on, we are the lead­ing exporter of asbestos to the devel­op­ing world, for fuck’s sake.  Liz May and the Greens … suck on our tailpipe.

We respond strongly to tough on crime leg­is­la­tion because we are scared of youth and all the other tribes.  (Note to young vote mob­sters: Canada is pop­u­lated and run by geezers, so go to your room.) We know all sorts of soci­ol­o­gists and pro­gres­sives will say we should attack the root of crime which is, instead of age and tribal affil­i­a­tion, poverty.  But we are not that smart.  So we build more jails.  Espe­cially for native peo­ple, and in Toronto and Nova Sco­tia for peo­ple of African descent.  Send them to fuck­ing jail. To a new fuck­ing jail! But not one in my back yard.

But we’re not tough on all crime.  The sort of sleazy kick-backs the crowd up in Huntsville got from Tony Clement may not have been entirely eth­i­cal, maybe they were sort of crim­i­nal, but look, it built a hockey rink, a gazebo and toi­lets  — all things we sort of needed, the kind of things we can get behind.  We pre­tend oth­er­wise but we are essen­tially corrupt.

Finally, let’s look at the over­whelm­ing pub­lic out­rage over the G20 police state, the F-35 fighter jet boon­dog­gle, the In-Out scam, the find­ing of the last Gov­ern­ment in con­tempt of par­lia­ment.  Oh yeah, right, there was no pub­lic outrage.

Read it here. We are essen­tially sub­mis­sive. We are very, very stupid.

For these rea­sons, and the fact we have been brain­washed by cease­less Con­ser­v­a­tive tele­vi­sion adver­tise­ments, in this elec­tion cycle urNews joins those cor­po­rate stooges at The Globe and Mail in endors­ing Steve Harper and the Con­ser­v­a­tive Party.  Look at them closely. You may see they are you. To para­phrase, “we have met the rul­ing party and it is us.”

May they reign for a thou­sand years.

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