URNews Endorses

We are against empirical evidence in favour of what we believe

Apr 29th, 2011 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Lead Article

Democracy, the big “D.” It is all about the representation of the people, through their franchise, in the Government of the land.  The legitimate victor in the current contest should be the one that best reflects Canada.  So before we endorse one candidate or another, let us take account of just who and what Canada is at this moment.

Canada is prosperous because it is thinly populated and chock-o-block with natural resources.

Our economy isn’t about making stuff like machinery or content. It does not depend on the secondary processing of our resources. Despite what we sometimes pretend, ours is not a knowledge economy – it’s a strip mine economy.  Our economy is about letting giant multinational companies come in and take what nonrenewable resources they like for a pay-off. Because we are a modest people, the kickback need not be grandiose.  What do we need?  A dozen Coors Light, a quad, cable television and a double-double on the way to work.  We aren’t greedy but we are suckers.

We used to be largely middle class but that’s proven too ambitious.  How about being serfs instead? There’s a lot less to think about that way. The NDP still hold some views that read suspiciously like they sort of might intend to just slightly more equitably redistribute the country’s wealth, though they have been working overtime to ditch those. Here, Canadians stand with one of our great heroes, the buffoon and bigot, Don Cheery.  Forget it, pinkos.

We have simple tastes in culture, too.  We like to watch the American entertainment product called “Canadian hockey” but, owing to our modesty, not Canadian stories. We aren’t much into art. We read a novel seven years ago … well we started it anyway.

Almost none of us go to galleries, that’s for fags.

We don’t go to the theatre because you can catch clap from the seats there.

We are willfully anti-intellectual.

Despite the overwhelming evidence that safe injection sites and gun registries work, we are against them.  Why?  Because we are – so fuck off.

A national census would give the state empirical evidence on which to base decisions. But we are against empirical evidence in favour of what we believe, so why bother? And “the state” sort of creeps us out anyway.

We are intolerant evangelical Christians, Catholic pederasts, delusional Quebecois supremacists, Sikh zealots and Hindu fanatics, Israel-lobby Jews and deranged Muslims.  We believe in magic, not science. To secular humanists looking around asking  “wha’ happened?” we say “the country changes when you forget to breed, so get a one-way plane ticket to Europe, Ivan.”

Michael Ignatieff  cops to having been a “public intellectual.”  So brainiac is out. God will punish him.

Since we mention Europe, what of our diminishing international reputation?  Who cares.  We remain singularly focused on the True North Strong and Free and have very little intention of traveling anywhere beyond the Caribbean or Mexico for a spring vacation.

We drive. A lot. We live in far flung places of very low densities.  These places are alternately freezing fucking cold or stinking fucking hot.  We need a lot of petrochemical power to drive to our places and then to heat and cool them.  Let’s just get past any idea that we give a shit about the environment.  Come on, we are the leading exporter of asbestos to the developing world, for fuck’s sake.  Liz May and the Greens … suck on our tailpipe.

We respond strongly to tough on crime legislation because we are scared of youth and all the other tribes.  (Note to young vote mobsters: Canada is populated and run by geezers, so go to your room.) We know all sorts of sociologists and progressives will say we should attack the root of crime which is, instead of age and tribal affiliation, poverty.  But we are not that smart.  So we build more jails.  Especially for native people, and in Toronto and Nova Scotia for people of African descent.  Send them to fucking jail. To a new fucking jail! But not one in my back yard.

But we’re not tough on all crime.  The sort of sleazy kick-backs the crowd up in Huntsville got from Tony Clement may not have been entirely ethical, maybe they were sort of criminal, but look, it built a hockey rink, a gazebo and toilets  – all things we sort of needed, the kind of things we can get behind.  We pretend otherwise but we are essentially corrupt.

Finally, let’s look at the overwhelming public outrage over the G20 police state, the F-35 fighter jet boondoggle, the In-Out scam, the finding of the last Government in contempt of parliament.  Oh yeah, right, there was no public outrage.

Read it here. We are essentially submissive. We are very, very stupid.

For these reasons, and the fact we have been brainwashed by ceaseless Conservative television advertisements, in this election cycle urNews joins those corporate stooges at The Globe and Mail in endorsing Steve Harper and the Conservative Party.  Look at them closely. You may see they are you. To paraphrase, “we have met the ruling party and it is us.”

May they reign for a thousand years.

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