Vancouver Fears Conservative Taint

Votes in BC to determine nation's fate

Apr 28th, 2011 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: News

"Duh...a hipster."

Progressives, liberals, greens, hipster and cosmopolitan self-identifiers in Vancouver are terrified by the prospect they will be seen as giving the backward and painfully uncool Conservatives the last seats they need to form another government and restore Canada to its rightful place as the most boring spot in the universe.

“People all across the country are going to have stayed up to watch the returns and then blame us for making Canada such a shithole,” said Vancouver actor Iainn Foxx. “The suburbs of Toronto have to share the blame.  And what about the Prairies?  It’s their fault too.”

But the election of a Harper Government may merely be confirming a truth about Canada that its wannabe bohos and scene seekers have denied.  “Canada is not a hotbed of new ideas and innovation, there isn’t an ‘avant garde’ here,” says demographer Yanick  Avisa. “It’s really a very dull, very conservative place full of dullards with the most pedestrian taste.  People in Vancouver who think they are cool are delusional.”

Fox and his circle of friends and associates are terrified of the reception that awaits them when they travel to more sophisticated centres in the US, Europe and Asia. “They will, like, be snickering and calling us ‘Snowbillies’ and stuff,” said Fox. “Just last week a painter friend of mine was attending an opening  in Munich and it was all like ‘wouldn’t you rather go to a hockey game?’  By the way, Go Canucks!”

Many other self-described Vancouver hipsters who were contacted for this piece claimed to be either in New York or too busy making plans to be in New York to comment.

 

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