Wonky Weather

Systems gang up on helpless world

Apr 5th, 2011 | By Paul Moth | Category: Science and Technology

Ominous weather graphic.

Hurricanes in Newfoundland, floods and drought in Australia, glaciers retreating, Arctic and Antarctic ice shelves calving and floating to equatorial climes, ozone depletion and disappearance, all evidence that climactic conditions throughout the world have gone topsy-turvy.

urNews weatherographer Erling Biggs, Jr. has a theory about all this.

“The world and its weather conditions are out to get us,” says the award-winning forecaster. “The earth is pissed off with what we’ve been doing to it.”

Biggs, Jr. points at El Nino as “the thin edge of the wedge. El Nino is a pussy compared to what’s coming. Most everyone has heard of la Nina, the kind-of sister to El Nino? Forget it. That, too is a lightweight, a mere premonition. I’m calling for La Bamba, for Yo Mama. Hasta la vista, baby.”

Ocean currents and temperatures have long held the attention of weatherographers. “We’ve been taught they control the secret of weather patterns – the Santa Anna’s and the Chinooks, the hurricanes and typhoons. But it’s all horseshit,” claims Biggs, Jr.

The real explanation, according to Biggs, Jr., is that Mother Earth is a sentient being. It experiences real hurt and degradation from the presence of humans.

“We really don’t know what’s going on,” admits Biggs, Jr. “But wait for effects that combine all the elements available to a shrewd, pragmatic and unromantic Nature.”

Biggs, Jr. calls for devastation at a level beyond our ken.

“Think earthquake meets acid rain. Meteorite collision meets bubonic plague. Our world indeed works in collusion with other planetary forces.”

“Gaia, Bhumi, Dewi Shri, whatever you want to call it, the Earth is a living, breathing body, baby, with bodily functions.  And it’s getting ready to shit us out.”

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