A Hello to Arms

New agency specializes in Canuck weaponry

Sep 9th, 2011 | By Heber Dolphy | Category: News

Fast attack canoe prototype

A new “All-Canadian” arms development directorate aims to create a suite of weapons suited to low-level combat in the Canadian theatre, URNews has learned.

The program is part of a new focus on the military by the Harper Government, the most recent effort being the return of the “Royal” designation to the military branches. Last month a secret program to develop a “stealth snowmobile” for secret operations in the arctic was leaked, but URNews has learned that “Ski-Don’t” is just one of many weapons R and D projects in development. Among the projects:

  • A mobile, stealth beaver lodge, capable of secretly placing a commando team near a target, as long as the target was near a river.
  • The 70mm “double-double” urban pacification coffee cup.
  • An innovative program to hire retired NHL enforcers to blindside the enemy.
  • High-explosive, fragmentation beer cans.
  • Teams of fanatical suicide Mounties.
  • Fast attack, submersible canoes.

“We’re looking for a suite of weaponry that can be seen as distinctly Canadian,” said a directorate official who did not wish to be named Dunning Kruger. “Things that will look completely at home in the northern context, and that no Canadian would think twice about before it blows them into pulpy shreds or reveals a team of trained killers ready to take them out with a double on-tap.”

“Did you get that?” added the official. “Double on-tap? I came up with that one. And now it’s part of official doctrine.”

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