Rats seen fleeing Bay StreetSep 26th, 2011 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Featured
“It’s all over! We’ve been exposed. Get the hell out of here before anyone recognizes us!” said an unidentified drunk and naked Bay Street analyst as the systemic collapse of late Capitalism became impossible to deny any longer.
“We had a good run, telling people that markets were self-regulating but only went up,” said an investment banker who had been tarred and feathered by an angry mob. “It’s the Yuppies with their pensions in the market that I’m worried about. They’ll fucking kill me.”
The “stock market” scam was one of the most odious aspects of Capitalism’s late “fetid” period. In the scam, marks or “investors” are asked to provide their money as capital to firms on a “stock exchange.” Fraudsters purported this money would be used by the companies to conduct business when it was, more often, appropriated by company executives and skimmed by the pitchmen. In a particularly venal aspect of the scam executives linked exorbitant “bonus” payments to the value of the stock and not the true worth of the company. This proved a dangerous incentive for the executives and those who sold the stock certificates to overstate their value.
“Folks didn’t bother to investigate what my outfit actually did with their money,” said a Canadian CEO who had strapped himself to several children for protection. “They just went for the magic paper because somebody said it would always increase in value. I got stinking rich, by the way, and I pay less tax than you!”
Rules or protocols to prevent false reporting became impossible after the “deregulation” mass hysteria of the 1980s.
Market Capitalism in North America was likely doomed years ago, said analysts, when most manufacturing jobs went to China. “Replacing the making of real things with the trade of fanciful promises on paper was the big mistake,” said a stock broker now masquerading as a school teacher to avoid prosecution. “If we’d backstopped this seizure of working people’s wealth with even a few actual projects then the end wouldn’t have been so catastrophic.”
Watching as a Hedge Fund manager was pulled apart by the hands of bereft suckers, a commodities trader laughed, “They had to see this coming. There’s only so long you can play a sucker.”
“Financial Advisor” Perry Landis was unapologetic. “Caveat fucking emptor. You establish a system where people give me money and say hold on to that for thirty years, will you. Naturally bait like that was going to attract some con artists,” Landis shouted. “When you deregulated it, you sent out a fucking invitation,” he concluded as he was doused in gasoline and set ablaze.
Elsewhere amid the smoking rubble, surrounded by clients he had stiffed, Larry Hubbard blames others. “It was shabby lending practices at the banks! Eggheads invented credit default swaps. I’m just a small time criminal. It wasn’t greed, it was fairies and sprites in Iceland. It’s the Europeans, they did it. They made me buy that Porsche for my kid.”