IMF: Recovery may require risky practices

New Economic Stimulus to Involve BDSM

Sep 12th, 2011 | By Carl Johnson | Category: Business

IMF Chief Christine Lagarde

An emergency meeting of the International Monetary Fund and G-20 leaders desperate to turn on an unresponsive global economy has called for an end to “vanilla stimulus”.   Instead, North American and European governments will now turn to more extreme forms of commodity fetishism.

“The advanced economies are simply not responding anymore to the routine, ‘shovels-in-the-ground’ penetration that was so stimulating in the past, often achieving massive spending,” wrote Swedish economist, Kristi Holqvist, the IMF’s leading stimulus expert, in a report circulated at the summit.  “World leaders have been slow to realize that this is natural for a mature, experienced organism like global capitalism.  Satisfactory stimulus and spending may only be achievable through interventions previously thought to be risky or immoral.”

Among the measures being proposed are anal sex, cross-dressing regimes involving punishment and humiliation, transgender oral excitement, and even coprophagic rituals that are rumoured to have been used successfully in simulations at the Davos World Economic Forum earlier this year.  G-20 leaders, skeptical about unrestrained spending, were apparently convinced by the emphasis that the new package puts on discipline, punishment, pain and submission for the world’s most vulnerable populations.

“With a black man in the White House capable of producing a huge stimulus package, and over-heated capital flows in sexy countries like Brazil and India, there are all kinds of fantasy scenarios that could be used to get the economy its groove back,” according to Holquist’s report. ”We just have to lose our inhibitions.”

The current head of the IMF, Christine Lagarde, widely admired by Western leaders as a refined but strict dominatrix, will be in charge of administering the measures.  Former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn was a unanimous choice to act as a special adviser to Lagarde on the BDSM file after beating charges that he forced a hotel maid of African descent to perform oral sex on him in a Manhattan hotel.  A proposal by Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi to include “bunga bunga” with underage prostitutes in the stimulus program also reportedly received a warm reception from world leaders.

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