This crime scene could be your house right now.

The Harper Government’s™ new omnibus crime bill will have far-reaching effects for law and order in Canada, say legal observers. Among it’s provisions:

• Manda­tory long gun ownership
• Police will be issued military-grade weaponry
• Sen­tenc­ing to be removed from judges and given to inter­net news commenters
• All ref­er­ences to crime rate “falling” will be replaced by “rising”
• Prison over­crowd­ing will be mit­i­gated by feed­ing inmates less food
• Unre­ported crimes will now be pun­ish­able by unspec­i­fied penalties
• Young offend­ers will be bru­tally raped to dis­suade them from pur­su­ing a life of adult crime
• Mem­ber­ship in the for­mer Lib­eral Party of for­mer Canada to come with a manda­tory five year min­i­mum sen­tence to be served in an Alberta prison.

“Cana­di­ans want and deserve to be able to feel safe in their homes and com­mu­ni­ties,” said gov­ern­ment spokes­war­den Dun­ning Kruger. “How­ever, that is sim­ply not pos­si­ble in a coun­try with as young a major­ity gov­ern­ment as Canada. It is vital to the Harper Gov­ern­ment™ that they don’t ever feel safe until they have granted us sev­eral more majorities.”

“This bill sig­nals the government’s will­ing­ness to ignore sta­tis­ti­cal real­ity and focus instead on the irra­tional fears that real Cana­di­ans feel. And we intend to keep feed­ing those fears.”

In response to crit­i­cism that crime sta­tis­tics show a decrease in crime, Kruger claims “Cana­di­ans were afraid to report crime. Now HG™ has  made the envi­ron­ment safer. You can rat on the guy next door. You just know he’s doing some­thing for which he could be arrested. You call; we’ll investigate.”

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