New crime bill will crowdsource sentencing

Get on the bus. The omnibus.

Sep 20th, 2011 | By Heber Dolphy | Category: Featured

This crime scene could be your house right now.

The Harper Government’s™ new omnibus crime bill will have far-reaching effects for law and order in Canada, say legal observers. Among it’s provisions:

  • Mandatory long gun ownership
  • Police will be issued military-grade weaponry
  • Sentencing to be removed from judges and given to internet news commenters
  • All references to crime rate “falling” will be replaced by “rising”
  • Prison overcrowding will be mitigated by feeding inmates less food
  • Unreported crimes will now be punishable by unspecified penalties
  • Young offenders will be brutally raped to dissuade them from pursuing a life of adult crime
  • Membership in the former Liberal Party of former Canada to come with a mandatory five year minimum sentence to be served in an Alberta prison.

“Canadians want and deserve to be able to feel safe in their homes and communities,” said government spokeswarden Dunning Kruger. “However, that is simply not possible in a country with as young a majority government as Canada. It is vital to the Harper Government™ that they don’t ever feel safe until they have granted us several more majorities.”

“This bill signals the government’s willingness to ignore statistical reality and focus instead on the irrational fears that real Canadians feel. And we intend to keep feeding those fears.”

In response to criticism that crime statistics show a decrease in crime, Kruger claims “Canadians were afraid to report crime. Now HG™ has  made the environment safer. You can rat on the guy next door. You just know he’s doing something for which he could be arrested. You call; we’ll investigate.”

 

 

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