Baseball Reaches End of Days – Emblem of Decline in Sports
Anti-climactic Season Worries the Bean Counters of SportsOct 11th, 2011 | By Paul Moth | Category: Sports
The New York Yankees did not reach the World Series again this season and gloom has descended on the sports world as questions about exceptionalism and entitlement worry the establishment of Major League Baseball.
Two major commentators on the game engaged in a public debate about sports in general and baseball in particular. The event was held at Don Cherry’s Sports Grill in Etobicoke, Ontario.
“You buy the best players, you expect to win the World Series. It’s as simple as that,” said sportswriter Shember Lawiki. “Elementary economics says the team with the greatest payroll should take away all the marbles.”
“MBAs now run MLB,” said critic Janeen Klanzy, “and given their performance on Wall St. over the past few years, maybe it’s time they ceded control to someone with better prognostication skills … like meteorologists, for example. They’re right more often.”
Lawiki bristled at such suggestions. “Some left-wing nutbar like Klanzy denies manifest destiny at his peril,” she said. “Our research clearly shows a direct link between the line items of salary and World Series titles.”
Hockey, it would seem, is an oddity.
“Our models cannot account for the failure of the Toronto Maple Leafs, say, not making the playoffs even though they rank in the top quartile of salary outlay,” admits Lawiki. “They are the most valuable NHL franchise. They take in the most money, they spend the most money, and they have not made it out of regular season play into the playoffs in five years. It’s an anomaly.”
“Au contraire,” countered Klanzy. “The Leafs embody capitalism in its greatest form – there is no necessity for good performance when feebs and numbnuts continue to buy high-priced tickets no matter how badly the team on the ice plays. It’s not an anomaly; it’s a classic.”
At this point in the debate, Lawiki headbutted Klanzy. Klanzy pulled herself up from the floor and delivered a plate of Wacko Wings to Lawiki’s face. The audience, until this point restrained and relatively quiet, turned hostile. Chairs, tables and windows were broken. Hundreds of people then mobbed the street and a small-scale riot ensued. Yankee fans in particular were obstreperous, while Leaf fans wept openly in the parking lot.
Calls to police and SWAT squads went unanswered.