Chinese Standard Transmission

New Auto is also Breakfast Cereal

Oct 18th, 2011 | By Signor Blaine | Category: News

The Harper Government has prepared an omnibus bill to allow the sale of cheap Chinese-made cars in Canada. The cars, targeted at people with low incomes, do not meet current safety standards, which will be waived as part of the new bill. Income and credit tests normally in place will also be relaxed so millions of low income Canadians will be able to purchase these vehicles.

Critics of the new bill, engineered to allow the introduction of the Chinese automobile, the “Junc-A2”, point out the car is made to kill it’s passengers. “It’s made of pressed Canadian wheat and recycled Starbucks cups” points out consumer advocate Joanne Finiik. “The mortality rate is close to 100% in crashes less than 10 kilometers per hour”, she adds. “It’s a death-mobile”.

Crackcar

The Harper Government has stated the action plan will assist Western farmers and Eastern funeral homes, and it will ban consumer advocacy under the bill as well.

Under the bill the car will not have to meet any Canadian safety standards and people will be able to purchase the car with a special government issued credit card, issued specifially to low income Canadians who have such bad credit even Capital One won’t give them a card. The bill will also allow the Harper government to take out “Peasant Death” insurance on the cardholders covering the cost of cremation, if required.

The NDP’s uproar over the lack of safety standards is totally missing the point, according to blogger Danis Gertrien, who states something far more sinister may be afoot. “The Harper Government is out to get rid of people who are a ‘burden’ on the public purse.” Ms Gertrien posted in her last known entry. Ms. Gertrien says the government simply wants to give people the means to commit autocide, and rid the country of people who collect welfare, unemployment benefits or worker’s compensation.

Originally the cars were introduced in the Chinese Hunan province and distributed exclusively to Uyghurs, an ethnic group in the area. The Uyghurs have effectively been eliminated through a wave of car accidents involving the Junc-A2s. The demolished cars are recycled and turned into a popular breakfast cereal.

A similar free vehicle programme has been introduced in Prussian Germany for Turks and Ethiopians, and has been deemed so successful in reducing ‘undesirables’ it is being considered in over 90 countries. The masterminds and financial backers of the scheme, the DeutchBank, state the plan is key to keeping the stability of the Eurozone.

The cars will be avaialble immediately at GM dealerships after the omnibus bill is passed. Insiders say the few remaining researchers at the National Research Council have been tasked with developing an edible shellac – perhaps maple syrup based – to stop the car’s body from disentegrating in the Canadian winter. The coating only needs to last “14 days” according to the documents outlining the project. These may be the first cars which have a ‘best before date’.

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