Harper Conflicted Over Commonwealth

Likes titles and fancy dress but not African despots

Oct 30th, 2011 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Featured

Without the Commonwealth, inbred Greek princes like this would have somewhat less to do.

Not long after reintroducing the designation “Royal” to the branches of Canada’s military and rehanging portraits of Canada’s German Queen in all of its embassies Prime Minister Steve Harper is having doubts about Canada’s continued membership in the Commonwealth.

Most members of The Commonwealth, a bizarre organization celebrating having once been colonized, are faraway shitholes with poor human rights records.  The majority of the member nations are ruled by despots, and most openly discriminate against homosexuals with criminal prosecutions and state-promoted thug violence.  The British use the Commonwealth to remind themselves of their former relevance and its member states as suckers to whom they can sell dud military hardware.  “I say, the Canadians really stepped up by buying those fucked submarines from us,” said Buckingham Palace spokestwit R. Wallace Buggerington-Finchbarley. “And they saved the Gambians, who were next on our list, a fortune, which in turn let BP lowball on bribes for drilling rights.  Prince Phillip told me a good one the other day, about a Gambian, a Zulu and a French milkmaid … better not.”

“The Prime Minister loves homosexuals,” said Royal Canadian Conservative Spokesperson Dunning Kruger. “He’s got them in cabinet and around the house, he keeps a few in the closet.  While we love all the ribbons and bows and meaningless symbolism of the spurious connection to Britishness there is little appetite for association with a bunch of goons from darkest Africa — except on access issues for Canadian mining, which is different.”

Frustrated again by the world refusing to operate the way he wants it to (the Prime Minister and the Finance Minister were reported to have had a joint temper tantrum over the European community’s response to the Greek economic crisis), there are unconfirmed reports that the Prime Minister has returned to the solitude of a boiler room at 24 Sussex Drive to put the final touches on his “hockey book”.

“At heart the problem for Steve is the name,” according to Kruger.  “Think about it: common wealth.  That’s not something Royal Conservatives like to be associated with.  We’re lobbying quietly for something new like maybe ‘Queeny States of the World’.  Whatever.  OK, look, the truth is we would be gone already but, after last year’s humiliation of having the world vote for South Yemen over Canada for the last seat on the Security Council, we don’t have many international forums where we can go without getting spit on.  We’re basically stuck with the Commonwealth thing.”

-with files by Carl Johnson


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