Humans weren’t always assholes, researchers say

The journey from tool-makers to tools.

Oct 14th, 2011 | By Heber Dolphy | Category: Science and Technology

"Did you fucking call me a homo?"

New discoveries in East Africa’s Great Rift Valley are shedding light on the development of hominids from ancient tree-dwelling ape-like creatures into modern assholes.

“The data suggests that until they started walking upright, using tools, and mastering fire, hominids were pretty much OK,” said Dr. Frank Ergaster at the Leakey Institute in Nairobi. “But from the time of Homo Erectus on, the human lineage has been rife with idiots, douchebags, and especially fuckwads.”

What was especially surprising, said Dr. Ergaster, was evidence suggesting asshole behaviour was a selective advantage that helped the species survive and thrive in the harsh and dry conditions of east Africa at the time.

“We knew their intelligence, use of tools, and group co-operation were definite survival advantages,” said Dr. Ergaster. “We have even determined that stamina for long distance running was a major advantage for hunting.”

“But we now believe it was their willingness to be complete dicks about stuff that gave them that leg up on the savannah.”

“This Ibex bone, for example, not only shows the tell-tale marks of hominid tool work, but clear signs that the same hominid violated that bone most inappropriately.”

“Interference, abomination of other groups’ dead, and the sheer litter they left on the plains were enough to worry other species,” said Ergaster. “Previous extinctions, for example, were caused by asteroid strikes or volcanic activity, but Homo Sapiens degraded the environment so quickly and so efficiently that other species were unable to adapt. Our forefathers fucked everything – literally, practically  and virtually.”

– with files by Paul Moth

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