Nervous Author Suffers Pre-Traumatic Stress Syndrome

Penis is Unreliable Narrator

Oct 13th, 2011 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Arts

The author confronting an imaginary critic of his unwritten novel.

Mark Dunst, a Halifax author, may be Canada’s first diagnosed case of Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Dunst is consumed by debilitating anxiety over a book which he is yet to write. “It’s an idea that I’ve been thinking about for a while, it’s narrated by the protagonist’s penis, and this is the really interesting part, he’s completely unreliable.”

Though Dunst, a pathological procrastinator, has yet to write a word of the actual manuscript thoughts about how it will be received, if he ever does actually write and publish it, torment him day and night. “I’m confident I will be misunderstood and savaged by the critics.  And with all that stuff about the character’s dick, my mother is going to be extremely disappointed.”

Unable to sleep at night Dunst hears the chorus of complaint about the yet-to-be novel coming from an imaginary reading group. “They hate it, obviously,” says Dunst.  “It’ll have the mawkish lyricism that people expect of Canlit but it’s set in the present,which is a serious a no-no. That, and the talking cock part.” Despite a heavy self-directed medication regime Dunst can do nothing to quiet the voices of the spectral reading group. “One of the gals in the group could become so obsessed that, blasted on pinot grigio, she’ll track me down and kill me.”  Dunst tried futilely, to reason with himself. “Though most likely they won’t even finish it because I’m guessing that, if I ever did write it, it would be impossibly dense.”

Fanciful thoughts of how poor will be the reception for the book have made it impossible for Dunst to work, on the novel, or at anything else. “My friends think this whole writing thing is so pretentious but I’m telling you, it’s a living hell.”

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