Omnibus Happy Corporations Bill

Automatic Back-To-Work Provisions

Oct 10th, 2011 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Featured

Faced again with the prospect of Air Canada flight attendants exercising their right to strike, Harper Government Minister of Corporate Well Being, Lisa Raitt, will introduce a new omnibus bill to keep large corporations in a condition of continual happiness. “In the past we’ve had to deal with cutting taxes to corporations, deregulation and union busting on a case by case basis,” said Harper Government Big Business spokesstooge Dunning Kruger. “Now there will be one law to cover it all.”

Lisa Raitt

The flight attendants’ case is seen as a perfect model to test the legislation.  Several years ago the bargaining unit accepted massive wage cuts to help rescue Air Canada from bankruptcy.  In return Air Canada’s executives shafted the company’s shareholders and awarded themselves exorbitant bonuses. “This is exactly what we are looking at,” said Kruger, “a free and competitive marketplace so long as it favours the corporations.  No union member is going to argue that Capitalism is about looking out for the workers, is he?”  When asked how the protection of Air Canada from labour disruption helps free markets when the airline has viable competitors right across the country, Kruger simply responded that some “suits from Montreal” who weren’t “gangsters in the b-movie sense” were taking him to a swish lunch.  Suggestions that international routes could be serviced by the airlines of other nations were dismissed as “unpatriotic.” “You some kind of jihadi separatist?” shouted Kruger. “Peter Mackay supports our troops and hockey is our game!”

Part of the new legislation will automatically order striking workers back to work. “A vote to strike will automatically trigger the law forcing them back,” said Ms. Raitt’s designated driver. “Could there be anything tidier?”

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