Vampire Regrets Accepting Newfoundland Invitation

Unhappy Dracula Fogged In

Oct 31st, 2011 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: News

A bit of blood pudding should be fine for the Prince of Vampires.

Count Dracula, the world’s best known vampire, says he “regrets” accepting an invitation to the house of Freeman Chafe, a Newfoundland welder currently unemployed.  “I must be invited in,” said Dracula, “and with mass media I’m so well known that it rarely happens these days.”

Chafe is reported to have said, “Yes, b’y, Dracula, come on in.  Come in to the kitchen’ ya dirty ol’  fuckin’ vampire.”  When Chafe’s 14 year old son Orv cautioned against beckoning Nosferatu across the threshold of their Petty Harbour home, Chafe claimed fear of the Transylvanian monster was not merited. “A bit of blood pudding and he’ll be alright.”

At one point during the visit, Chafe is alleged to have passed out in his chair.   Dracula attempted to drink his host’s blood but found  it utterly unpalatable.  “It is not blood but a mixture of brine and alcohol.”  Waking with Dracula at his neck, Chafe is alleged to have shouted, “Get away from me, you fuckin’ queer!” Soon after and confident no one was about, Chafe confessed to being “somewhat queer” himself and invited Dracula to join him in a sex act. “They said ol’ Draccy was a bloodsucker, but I didn’t catch their precise meaning. Besides, I’d bend over backwards to make a visitor feel at home in Newfoundland. And the tourists gets right crooked if they don’t see an iceberg or a whale or have sex they later regret with a local.”

The Count, evidently not accustomed to this type of hospitality, demurred. “I only attended Chafe’s table because the weather conditions allowing departure do not favour me. We do know fog in Transylvania, but the Newfoundland version would make your blood run cold, if you had any.”

– with files by Paul Moth and Heber Dolphy

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