Beaver Happy To No Longer Be Canada’s Symbol

Polar Bear "welcome to it"

Nov 8th, 2011 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: News

 The Beaver, long-time symbol of Canada, says he is more than happy to surrender his status as Canada’s national symbol.  “It’s more exhausting than building a lodge or a dam” said Beaver. “Goddamn Canadians are so conflicted and insecure about their ‘nationhood’ and what ‘nation’ even means.  It was a more than a full-time job.”

The Beaver also indicated that he and Canada had grown apart to such a degree that his status as a symbol was no longer legitimate. “I’m an empiricist, okay.  I construct things. That’s how I live.  I chew down trees and then engineer houses and waterways. I haven’t got time for ideological decisions, I base my actions on facts.”  The Beaver thought that an increasingly faith-based Canada was better represented by the Polar Bear, the option proposed by Senator and nitwit Nicole Eaton.

“And Polar Bear is, like many Canadians and the Government,  in denial about climate change,” observed Beaver.

Polar Bear agreed that he was a better fit as symbol for the new Harper Canada. “The new accent on militarism and aggression, I am all over that.” said the Polar Bear.  The Polar Bear argued it is an easier symbol for increasingly dumber Canadian to comprehend. “The message of the Beaver is really complicated,” noted the Bear. “With all due respect, despite it being rather crafty it really is just a huge fucking rodent.”

The Beaver was also ready to give up its place on the Canadian five cent coin. “A goddamn nickel? I’ve always found that kind of insulting given my role in attracting fashion-crazed Europeans to these shores.  Loon gets the dollar and I get the nickel?”

The Polar Bear defended the Loon’s appearance on the one dollar coin.  “Place has gone crazy,” the Polar Bear said.

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