Look out fracking, here comes skullfucking

Energy companies on the hunt for even more filthy, abusive extraction techniques

Nov 14th, 2011 | By Heber Dolphy | Category: Business

UnCana engineers test news methods of hydrocarbon extraction

Calgary – With the success of Hydraulic Fracturing – or “Fracking” – as a means of extracting natural gas from shale, energy companies are looking to even dirtier methods of energy extraction.

Fracking involves pumping vast amounts of fresh water – preferably bottled water, but any liquid will do – at high pressure in order to break up shale up to two kilometers below the surface, releasing natural gas. The procedure has attracted much criticism, especially from farmers in need of the fresh water, not to mention parents upset that their children’s juice boxes are routinely confiscated by oil companies desperate for liquids to feed the injection process.

But with the prospect of developing hundreds of new sources of previously inaccessible hydrocarbons, and with a thoroughly sympathetic federal government, oil companies are toying with even more powerful and expensive techniques. In Peace River, B.C., UnCana, the gigantic Calgary-based firm, is pioneering the use of massive hammers slamming repeatedly into the ground, sending piercing shock waves through the system, and essentially liquifying the gas-bearing shale.

“We call it skullfucking,” says UnCana Vice President Cal Dunphy. “This is even more effective than fracking. We’re getting a recovery rate of 92%. Virtually every ounce of gas is released, scared shitless, the boys say, from the ungodly noise of the hammer.”

Dunphy says there are other techniques currently in development, but is forbidden from discussing them. “I can tell you that one of them is called ‘Nipple Twisting’, and another we call, for lack of a better term ‘Surprise Buttsecks.”

Dunphy denied rumours that energy companies are experimenting with human and animal sacrifice and appeasement of the Elder Gods in their ceaseless quest for oil and gas, but did admit the company’s involvement in a rash of missing puppies in Prince Rupert. “Look, that was a rogue engineer, acting without company authorization,” he said. “On the other hand, those puppies were scheduled for destruction at the animal shelter anyway. And it’s quite possible that they are responsible for up to 75 kilowatt hours of power.”

“So think about that next time you fire up the X-Box, chump.”

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