Steve’s Man Crush

Harper always wanted to be more like MacKay

Dec 5th, 2011 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Featured

"He was just too complicated for Belinda. I'm glad she left him."

Conservative insiders say that Steve Harper forgives and overlooks Peter MacKay’s almost continual string of misdeeds and lies because he has “a man crush” on his witless, bumbling Minister of Defense.  “It’s nothing like the situation with Bev Oda.  In that case Steve was just worried she would beat him up,” said an unnamed closeted homosexual in the Prime Minister’s Office. “Pete is just all those things Steve always wanted to be, but isn’t.”

Indeed, the two men are a study in contrasts.  Steve Harper is zaftig and flabby, cursed with a spare tire around his middle; Pete MacKay is trim and fit.  The athletic MacKay is considered a lady’s man; Harper is uncoordinated and has always found it difficult to talk to girls. Harper worked his way to the top political post in the land by tenacious hard work, building a far right wing Western party and using it to destroy its more tolerant Eastern cousin; MacKay benefits from one of the few Federal ridings – in feudal Nova Scotia – that is inherited.  MacKay loves to travel, all the time, everywhere, no matter what the cost; Harper is a homebody who loves to spend time in his basement playing with his hockey cards.

“Steve thinks Pete is cool and sort of lives vicariously through Pete’s wild adventures,” said the PMO official. “Ever since Pete suggested there was hanky-panky going on between him and Condelezza Rice the Prime Minister just idolizes the guy.”

MacKay’s success with women both mystifies the Prime Minister and makes him suspicious.

“A classic case of claustrophobic conservative closeting,” claims Dr. Bussey Rogers, an expert on man crushes. “Quite often, especially in high-stakes professions like politics, sports and firefighting, you regularly see superiors who assume they are inferior to those they lead or command,” say Dr. Rogers.

Canny subordinates can take advantage of this situation. “You often see the object of the man crush, in this case Pete Mackay, manipulate the infatuated one, in re Steve Harper, to their purposes. Like teen-age lovers.”

Rogers has a warning for MacKay, though. “If Harper ever figures out that MacKay is taking advantage of him, the ‘jilt’ could have serious consequences. Pubic flogging, the stocks, demotion, or even a good cussing out would not be far from the Prime Minister’s mind. Just remember the first time you got dumped. I know I do,” concluded Rogers, choking back sobs.

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