Canada succumbs to Blackwater training

"Don't Worry, There Will Be A Lunch"

Aug 9th, 2012 | By Heber Dolphy | Category: Business

“After morning session, there will be a buffet lunch, and time for refreshments.”

Canadian military officials are defending the spending of millions of dollars for “training” by notorious American mercenary company Blackwater, saying it was essential for prosecuting the “War On Terror”.

The training, for which Canada has had a standing contract since 2006, was conducted by several of Blackwater’s subsidiary and spinoff companies, since the original corporation was forced to change its name and ownership after numerous scandals involving the wanton murder of civilians in Iraq.

Among the subsidiaries are “Don’t Fuck With Me, I Have Friends In The White House, Inc.” and “If You Know What’s Good For You, You Will Sign This Contract, Inc.” which developed and delivered courses for police and military such as “Don’t Worry, There Will Be A Lunch,” and “If You Stay Until 5, We Will Help You Find Girls.”

Defense Minister Peter MacKay bristled at criticism of the deal, noting that Blackwater and it’s numerous, oddly-named offshoots played a vital role in … um … terror … stuff. Repeat: terror.

MacKay also brushed off criticism that Blackwater had inappropriately provided him with personal transport and cover.  In April MacKay wished to be extricated from a particularly boring government announcement in another Tory riding.  Blackwater agents used percussion bombs to disorient the nursing home residents as they forced entry. MacKay was whisked from the zone of danger behind a wall of automatic weapons fire. Colatteral damage was limited to a bunch of old people who were going to be dead soon anyway and two staff.  “Their families were compensated with over sixty goats,” said the steroid-crazed Blackwater spokestesticle.

Officials from the Prime Minister’s Office said the terms of the sell-out of the Progressive Conservative Party to The Reform Party prohibit comments critical of the Minister of Defense.  The wife of Minister Mackay has been muzzled.

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