NDP Seek Way To Lose

"Sustainable Development" most vague of possible platforms

Sep 6th, 2012 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Featured

NDP Platform

Faced with the prospect of forming government in the next federal election the NDP caucus, meeting in St. John’s, Newfoundland, are scrambling to find a new way to lose.

“Yeah, there is a good chance we might win,” said an NDP staffer of indeterminate gender. “We’ve adopted the Liberal platform but we still retain that true Social Democratic will to lose.”

URNews analyst Wells O’Coyne agreed an NDP victory in 2015 was possible. “The Liberal Party is dying of old age and the Conservatives have proven to be the most venal, lying-sacks-of-shit ever to cast a shadow over Ottawa.  People might just give the Dippers a spin.”

“Governing means making tough decisions,” said NDP spokesperson Cathy Dodson. “We much prefer to live in a fuzzy dream world where everyone can be equally happy with both a girlfriend who doesn’t get all psycho on you when she is hungover and a boyfriend who will pay for expensive restaurants and vacations.”

The unwillingness to win has lead the party to adopt “Sustainable Development” as the central plank in its platform.  “It’s great because it sounds nice and fair and good but it is so vague and fuzzy as to be utterly meaningless,” said Dodson.  The party entertained other policy initiatives such as a national transportation infrastructure program, controls on credit card interest rates, hiking corporate tax rates, increases in royalty regimes on non-renewable resources but these were all deemed “too actionable” and likely to get the party elected.

“Something like controls on credit cards,” said Dodson, “that would speak to the electorate. We could win with something like that!”

St. John’s, Newfoundland was chosen as the location of the meeting because it is Canada’s capital of missed opportunities and was of the least appeal to possible new voters. “We already have the two St. John’s seats,” said Dodson. “And the rest of Newfoundland and Labrador is only another five.”  The NDP said it will continue to look for seats in areas of Canada that have the fewest. “An Atlantic Canada redoubt is the best way to go for the bronze,” said the staffer of indeterminate gender.  “Holding it in the 905 area code could give us more seats which would increase the chance of winning.”

Rookie NDP Member of Parliament for the Quebec riding of Chenier, Paul Rose was amused to discover that St. John’s was in another country, “When I go to school,” said Rose, “dis was all on the carte de Quebec, non?”

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