Canada Celebrates Stupidity

Throne speech will formally acknowledge nation's morons

Oct 15th, 2013 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Lead Article
Draft revision of Canada's new Moron Coat of Arms

Fluffing the Dummies: draft of Canada’s new Moron Coat of Arms

In a move criticized as pandering to voters and “dollar store retail politics” the speech from the throne will focus on dumb Canadians.

“This is merely recognizing a social reality, ” said Unofficial Spokesthingy and Supplemental Electoral Spending Obergruppenführer Dunning Kruger, “and I dare the opposition to get up on their hind legs and try to deny stupid citizens the rights enjoyed by pointy headed book-learned elites.”

Among the legislative initiatives aimed squarely at the witless Canucks are consumer protection measures that are largely meaningless.  “Asking that the cable cabals unbundle their offerings with over-the-top services such as Netflix already widely in use is … well it’s just stupid,” said communications analyst Pamela Chouffe. “That horse is already out of the barn, over the fence, hit by a truck and rendered into cosmetics.”  The Government will also implore credit card companies to slightly reduce vendor fees sometime in the geological future, a move that will simultaneously stump and pleasure the 22 million innumerate Canadians.

“The problem with fluffing the dummies is that sometimes they don’t get it,” said Kruger. “The Don Cherry thing should connect with people that are harder to reach because they aren’t really there.”  Kruger was referring to the rumoured decision to name Don Cherry Canada’s “National Idiot”. Unable to name him to cabinet because of numerous court orders, and not content with his seemingly constant media appearances, the government is considering adding him to the cavalcade of Canadian icons like the beaver and Mountie by adding him directly to the national coat of arms and slightly modifying the motto. Draft plans obtained by URNews call for the new arms to be displayed in every classroom in Canada along with a photograph of Prime Minister Harper and copy of Atlas Shrugged.

Canada’s dim will also be offered a toothless bill of rights for air travelers, a national holiday on June 31 and series of tax deductions they won’t understand well enough to use.

“Sure there are big, systemic issues the Government should be tackling,” said Kruger, “but just thinking about those gives Canadians a headache. Focusing on the small stuff better reflects the country.”

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