Capitalist Fever

Outbreak of Febrile Hemispheric Parsinoma worries health officials

Jun 27th, 2014 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Lead Article, Politics
Minister James Moore, febrile and incoherent, with plan for Uber-pipeline.

Minister James Moore, febrile and barely coherent, with plan for Uber-pipeline to China.

Three incidents of Febrile Hemispheric (supply-sided) Parsinoma or “Capitalist Fever” in Canada have officials concerned about the possibility of a pandemic.

The first confirmed case was seen in the owner of Jungle Jack’s, a Heart of Darkness-themed restaurant popular in Canadian mining towns.   Harvey Munk the chain’s owner made a request to have the Temporary Foreign Workers Program he used to staff his outpost eateries modified to an “Indentured Foreign Workers Program”.  “The idea was that, in line with the restaurants’ theme, new workers could be conveyed from Africa in ships,” said Caroline Newman, acting President. “We argued with Harvey that unpaid, essentially kidnapped workers was never gonna cut it, even with Jason Kenney.  He said we were doing the Indentured Workers a favour as it meant fewer mouths to feed back in the jungle.”  Mr. Munk was dragged from the company’s office screaming, “Productivity, productivity!”

A second case at the Alberta-based Aberhard Institute, a pro-business think tank, went undetected for seven years. Health Department official were tipped by a report issued by the institute arguing that, as taxation on business and the wealthy harmed the economy, the tax burden should be shifted to the very poor. “We went in there, just to ask preliminary questions,” reported an official who wished to be unnamed. “When we suggested that the state could really only collect money from those that had any we saw symptoms of advanced Parsinoma.” Grant Kingman went on, “the fever hit them hard, at the mere mention of the word “taxation” they would have a violent reaction, frothing at the mouth, howling, soiling themselves. Classic tariphobia.”

Hopes that the disease was confined to Western Canada were dashed when a case was reported, yesterday, in Ottawa. Jennifer Harding, a political staffer at the Ministry of Industry, released, without approval, a discussion paper on the prospects of a mega or Uber- pipeline leading from Canada directly to China.  The monster tube, with a diameter sixty four times that of the proposed Northern Gateway pipeline would convey massive quantities of completely unprocessed Canada directly to China through the center of the earth.  (Minister James Moore is reported to have hatched the plan after binge watching episodes on the animated Spiderman series while eating tub after tub of cookie-dough ice-cream.)  To make heavy Canadian real estate flow through the Uberpipe it would diluted by unprocessed smokestack waste pumped, in the opposite direction in a parallel tube, from China.

When Ms. Harding was confronted she demanded the assistance of the Chinese Police State which she claimed represented the interests not of the “free market” but a new, deity-like “Friendly Market”.

Reached for comment, anti-tax libertarians could only shake uncontrollably and roll their eyes back in their head.

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