Murder as craft

Meet the "sommurdiers"

Jun 19th, 2015 | By Heber Dolphy | Category: Featured, Lead Article
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“Just a hint of horrible accident.”

With murder and gun violence overtaking sports, religion and most other pastimes in America as a top preoccupation, some young entrepreneurs are trying to cash in on something other than gun sales and funerals.

Calling themselves “sommurdiers” they use their expertise in the many different varieties of violence and mayhem to craft unique killing experiences for wealthy clients.

“Say you want that frisson of excitement that comes with a workplace homicide or delusional attempt to precipitate a race war,” says Derek Johnson, one of the hippest new sommurdiers. “We can put a package together for you that combines a little of both.”

“Last week we crafted a complex multiple murder for a client that was mostly domestic revenge, but had notes of random stranger killing and just a hint of horrible accident,” says Johnson. “We’re working on one now that will be a delicate combination of drug deal gone bad and school shooting.”

Reached for comment, law enforcement and government officials would only say “freedom.”

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