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Calgary Wind-Up Moved Ahead

Aug 2nd, 2015 | By Coco Cabrera
Calgary Wind-Up Moved Ahead

Long standing plans to wind-up the temporary city of Calgary have been moved ahead by more than a decade because of the collapse of the Alberta oil industry.

“Calgary was always a short-term proposition,” says Arnold Sunderland of the Federal Government’s secretive Division of The Plan. “There was never going to be any water for the place once the Bow Glacier melted away, so there was natural limit on its duration.”



Murder as craft

Jun 19th, 2015 | By Heber Dolphy
Murder as craft

With murder and gun violence overtaking sports, religion and most other pastimes in America as a top preoccupation, some young entrepreneurs are trying to cash in on something other than gun sales and funerals.

Calling themselves “sommurdiers” they use their expertise in the many different varieties of violence and mayhem to craft unique killing experiences for wealthy clients.

“Say you want that frisson of excitement that comes with a workplace homicide ….”



Canada Post Leads by Example

Aug 16th, 2014 | By Heber Dolphy
Canada Post Leads by Example

Management gurus around the world are looking closely at Canada Post’s experiment with a radical new business philosophy as it faces challenges in a changing market. Developed by some of the top MBAs in the world, Pure Management is based on the assumption that the most successful companies don’t actually “do” or “make” things, they “manage stuff.” “We’ve seen management philosophies come and go over the years,” said Sidney McQueen, Canada Post’s Senior Vice President […]



Capitalist Fever

Jun 27th, 2014 | By Coco Cabrera
Capitalist Fever

The monster tube, with a diameter sixty four times that of the proposed Northern Gateway pipeline would convey massive quantities of completely unprocessed Canada directly to China through the center of the earth.



Only 11% of Canadians Paying Attention

May 23rd, 2014 | By Coco Cabrera
Only 11% of Canadians Paying Attention

n a new study, a team of researchers has determined that only 11% of the Canadian population are paying attention to anything. “We originally set out to learn how the Ontario electorate would be making its decisions,” said Dr. Laura Vinkle, “but we discovered a profound lack of awareness of all things.”

Surveys and in-depth interviews with select subjects found that the overwhelming majority of Canadians were, most of the time, tuned out.



In Ontario, Mr. Bean Prepares Campaign

Apr 4th, 2014 | By Heber Dolphy


Canada Celebrates Stupidity

Oct 15th, 2013 | By Coco Cabrera
Canada Celebrates Stupidity

In a move criticized as pandering to voters and “dollar store retail politics” the speech from the throne will focus on dumb Canadians. “This is merely recognizing a social reality, ” said Unofficial Spokesthingy and Supplemental Electoral Spending Obergruppenführer Dunning Kruger, “and I dare the opposition to get up on their hind legs and try to deny stupid citizens the rights enjoyed by pointy headed book-learned elites.” Among the legislative initiatives aimed squarely at the witless […]



Liberals Go Dumb

Oct 3rd, 2012 | By Coco Cabrera
Liberals Go Dumb

Reversing the disastrous course taken by drafting the academic Michael Ignatieff to lead their Party, a bunch of old Liberal hacks have decided to roll the dice and “go dumb” with the son of a former Prime Minister and nice haircut Justin Trudeau.  “The Conservatives have had some success with real morons,”  said Liberal Party official Hubert Kickback. “Look at Peter Mackay. And tell me if Peter Kent’s I.Q. breaks the double digits.” Political analysts […]



URNEWS ON EXTENDED HIATUS

Dec 19th, 2011 | By Coco Cabrera

URNews Offices are closed until further notice.



Mackay Bananas

Dec 15th, 2011 | By Coco Cabrera
Mackay Bananas