Astro­nom­i­cal costs and police mis­deeds at the Toronto G20 sum­mit have to be “con­sid­ered in the con­text of turn­ing Canada into a total­i­tar­ian state,” says con­ser­v­a­tive spokesman Dun­ning Kruger. “It’s true.  We now know bet­ter what it costs and what it takes to turn Toronto into a prison camp,” said a Min­istry of Max­i­mum Secu­rity offi­cial who refused to be iden­ti­fied. “While it may appear that noth­ing was accom­plished, Canada is now much bet­ter pre­pared to bring down […]

Is Prime Min­is­ter Stephen Harper under “a spell” cast by Finance Min­is­ter Jim Fla­herty? So claims the upcom­ing pub­li­ca­tion, “Steve and the Lep­rechaun: The Secret Power of Ottawa’s Biggest Fairy”.

The book, by Jef­ford Dar­ling, presents com­pelling evi­dence that Prime Min­is­ter Harper believes his pugna­cious Finance Min­is­ter to be a gen­uine exam­ple of the diminu­tive, mis­chie­vous fig­ure from Irish Folk­lore and, in fear of being hexed, defers to Flaherty’s every deci­sion no mat­ter how unsound or unsavoury.

Toronto-based man­u­fac­turer Ryzone Indus­tries has won the cov­eted Kissinger Prize in Human­i­tar­ian War­fare for its Tum­myt­ick­ler rocket. The announce­ment was made today by the orga­niz­ers of “It’s  Arms­fest  2010!”  The car­nage expo, held annu­ally in Paris, is the industry’s pre­mier event. Ryzone is a leader in the devel­op­ment of so-called “kind bombs,” a new gen­er­a­tion of weaponry that is poised to trans­form war­fare and make smart bombs obso­lete. “Smart bombs are extremely bright,” said noted mil­i­tary ana­lyst Dan […]

Author­i­ties in the Isles das Brham­mas were inves­ti­gat­ing alle­ga­tions of irreg­u­lar bet­ting that have cast a pall over the first ever Dutch Rug­gitt World Chal­lenge­ship cur­rently under­way in Can­cán, cap­i­tal of the Caribbean nation. Accu­sa­tions of illog­i­cal bet­ting sur­faced after the island’s lead­ing tabloid, Der Schlep reported that it had given money to Brham­man cap­tain, Gus Hink to influ­ence the out­come of a match.  The money was later given to a rival team’s broom­stalker to com­mit a sense­less “sweeping” […]

The enforce­ment of  laws in Ontario and British Colum­bia pro­hibit­ing cell phone use while dri­ving have proven a boon for Brown­berry, the Wind­sor, Ontario-based maker of rec­tal phones and other “ass-held” devices. Rectally-held, as opposed to “hand-held” devices were a hith­erto niche (in all senses) mar­ket but the new traf­fic act restric­tions have made shov­ing infor­ma­tion appli­ances up the ass of users more pop­u­lar. “This past week we sold out of our high end ‘Sploosh’ and ‘Wowza’ […]

The New Demo­c­ra­tic Party of Canada has decided to play to its strengths in the next gen­eral elec­tion by embrac­ing its irrel­e­vance.  “We liked to say we were the party of ‘ordi­nary Cana­di­ans’, and what every ordi­nary Tom, Dick, Mary and She­Bob  shares is their irrel­e­vance,” said a party spokesper­son. She­Bob is the NDP’s generic term for trans­gen­dered per­sons. “Regard­less of what the Tories and the Lib­er­als like to pre­tend, Canada is run by a tiny group […]

The first planes car­ry­ing Elites flee­ing Toronto touched down at Tor­bay Air­port in St. John’s, New­found­land and Labrador ear­lier today. Though appear­ing stunned and dis­ori­ented, many smiled when greeted with com­pli­men­tary espres­sos and glasses of white wine. “The New­found­lan­ders are being so kind,” said one man. “I never expected such a well made cup of cof­fee out here.”  Another Toronto escapee was pleased with the wine. “So often you’re met with just another glass of chardon­nay, but […]

In a move that has stunned polit­i­cal Ottawa, Prime Min­is­ter Steve Harper has replaced Gov­er­nor Gen­eral Michaelle Jean by nam­ing him­self Head of State. Harper has dis­solved Par­lia­ment and is expected to crown him­self Charles III, King of Canada, early next week.

The long held sus­pi­cion that For­mer Cana­dian Ambas­sador to Iran, Ken “Doll” Tay­lor was work­ing for the Cen­tral Intel­li­gence Agency has been con­firmed. “This isn’t a sur­prise,” said Ahmed Hal­aba, Adjunct Pro­fes­sor of Mid­dle East­ern Espi­onage and Gen­eral Fuck­ery at the Con­ning Insti­tute. “Every­body just assumed that Ken Doll was a Yan­kee Proxy. No one has believed the myth of an inde­pen­dent Cana­dian For­eign Pol­icy for decades now, except for a few halfwit edi­to­ri­al­ists in Toronto.” Other analysts […]

Faced with grow­ing oppo­si­tion to “dirty” oil from its tar sands, Alberta has com­mis­sioned Hindler, Jinx Ltd., a lead­ing New York adver­tis­ing agency, to rebrand the province and the project.  The effort to change the province’s image became more urgent yes­ter­day. On a visit to Ottawa, Speaker of the United States House of Rep­re­sen­ta­tives, Nancy Pelosi, suc­cumbed to fumes ema­nat­ing from Alberta Pre­mier Ed Stel­mach and fainted. Even before pass­ing out, Pelosi was thought to be an […]