GENEVA — Polit­i­cal Sci­en­tists believe they are close to cod­i­fy­ing a sys­tem of mea­sure­ment for pub­lic cor­rup­tion. At an inter­na­tional sym­po­sium here Wednes­day, they have voted to name the prime unit of cor­rup­tion after Cana­dian Sen­a­tor Mike Duffy. “The great thing about the Duffy is that it is so mea­sur­able,” said Dr. Felix Graves, chair of the nomen­cla­ture com­mit­tee. “His malfea­sance is minor, really — cheat­ing on expense claims — but the quan­tity of funds is pretty well […]

“Who knew the cen­trists and lib­er­als would roll over so eas­ily,” said the source. “Maybe Canada was Rob Anders coun­try all along.”

The Prime Min­is­ter alone will be allowed the “Man­tle Ultimo” of a shiny black hel­met and flow­ing black cape.

“You can def­i­nitely still see the old don­key in Timmy, ”

Offi­cials of the Depart­ment of Defense and the Prime Minister’s Office refused to com­ment on this story, say­ing only that the Min­is­ter was trav­el­ing on busi­ness aboard a replica of the Hin­den­burg con­structed entirely of the Minister’s busi­ness cards.

Records show that Nad­um­fyck used bomb­ing runs con­ducted by F-16 s of the House of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha Luft­waffe (for­merly the Cana­dian Air­force) to clear brush at his cottage

“I even nib­ble on a banana and my wrists and ankles swell up. And my great great grand­fa­ther was sup­posed to be a mon­key? I don’t think so.”

Roger Phelps, a sec­ond year Engi­neer­ing stu­dent at UBC, has admit­ted he attended a “vote mob” in the hope of meet­ing a woman who would have sex with him. “Yeah, sort of casual sex, not like just inter­course, but some hang­ing out together, too. Enthu­si­as­tic oral sex would be a plus.”

Jason Ken­ney woke up one morn­ing and John Baird was just there star­ing at him

“Sul­li­van and Hearn, The Celtic Pussies, they’re good New­fies, they are of lim­ited ambi­tion and do what they’re told.”