Long standing plans to wind-up the temporary city of Calgary have been moved ahead by more than a decade because of the collapse of the Alberta oil industry.
“Calgary was always a short-term proposition,” says Arnold Sunderland of the Federal Government’s secretive Division of The Plan. “There was never going to be any water for the place once the Bow Glacier melted away, so there was natural limit on its duration.”
The Bow River is Calgary’s only source of water, if it were to run dry there is no viable alternative. “You’d need a pipeline,” says Sunderland, “and that’s a spend that’s hard to justify if the city no longer has an economic reason to exist.”
Calgary has long served as a headquarters for Canada’s once booming and now essentially bankrupt carbon industry.
“Nobody knows why the town was here before Big Oil,” observes local resident Mark Easy. “I suppose the Stampede means … but how many people do you need to ranch? I made a lot of money in the oil business and I’m not even sure what exactly it was I did. Like most Calgarians I own a cowboy hat but I don’t know how to ride a horse. Besides, they make me sneeze.” Cattle ranching was once a cornerstone of the Alberta economy but climate change caused by hydrocarbons has resulted in a permanent drought condition that makes grazing impossible.
Climate change is hastening the disappearance of the Bow Glacier but it was still set to provide adequate water to Calgary for several decades. The unforeseen obliteration of the energy sector is merely advancing a plan to evacuate and raze the city.
Residents will be encouraged to move west to British Columbia to work in low wage service jobs. “Wealthy Chinese in flight from that country’s toxic air will need a lot of servants,” says Sunderland, “and where most of the particulate fouling China’s air comes from carbon it’s really sort of rational.”
Other Calgarians expect to go north to the frozen outpost of Edmonton to be mocked or east to live in refugee camps in Ontario.
Most of Calgary’s new office towers and homes were made of such poor materials and to such low standards that they only have little or no value for reuse or recycling.
“Calgary had a good run,” says Sunderland. “They never made anything there, and there was never much of a indigenous culture. Who will really miss it?”]]>
With murder and gun violence overtaking sports, religion and most other pastimes in America as a top preoccupation, some young entrepreneurs are trying to cash in on something other than gun sales and funerals.
Calling themselves “sommurdiers” they use their expertise in the many different varieties of violence and mayhem to craft unique killing experiences for wealthy clients.
“Say you want that frisson of excitement that comes with a workplace homicide or delusional attempt to precipitate a race war,” says Derek Johnson, one of the hippest new sommurdiers. “We can put a package together for you that combines a little of both.”
“Last week we crafted a complex multiple murder for a client that was mostly domestic revenge, but had notes of random stranger killing and just a hint of horrible accident,” says Johnson. “We’re working on one now that will be a delicate combination of drug deal gone bad and school shooting.”
Reached for comment, law enforcement and government officials would only say “freedom.”]]>
Management gurus around the world are looking closely at Canada Post’s experiment with a radical new business philosophy as it faces challenges in a changing market.
Developed by some of the top MBAs in the world, Pure Management is based on the assumption that the most successful companies don’t actually “do” or “make” things, they “manage stuff.”
“We’ve seen management philosophies come and go over the years,” said Sidney McQueen, Canada Post’s Senior Vice President in charge of Vice Presidents. “We’ve had Total Quality Management, Six Sigma, Matrix Management all at various times.”
“For about six weeks in 2007 we tried Management by Objectives and Management By Walking Around at the same time but it caused fights to break out among the junior vice-presidents.”
The crown corporation backed away from management fads for a time after that, said McQueen, but troubled by the decline in its core mail delivery business, and emboldened by the increasingly pro-business federal government, the agency has made the bold move into Pure Management.
“Pure Management is the most philosophical of the business philosophies,” says Andrew Duncan, a PM consultant who helped Canada Post with its implementation. “It sees the primary role of a corporation as being a corporation.”
“Sure, providing services or making goods is OK, but the perfect corporation is a Platonic ideal. It exists as a flow chart, a management tree, a concept. The genius of Pure Management is that it transcends all the trivial concerns of day-to-day transactions or problems and focuses instead on what the greatest managers do best: manage.”
To that end, Canada Post is gradually getting rid of the thousands of employees who “sort” or “deliver” mail, and replacing them with MBAs who “manage” by holding team meetings, creating charts and – most importantly – delivering PowerPoint presentations.
“By the end of Q3 in 2015, we expect to have more than 5000 vice-presidents and twice that many senior consultants,” says Canada Post president Deepak Chopra. “Our letter carrier staff will have twindled to a few hundred by then. We regret the losses, but are encouraging these employees to get out and acquire MBAs so they can become more useful to society.”]]>
Three incidents of Febrile Hemispheric (supply-sided) Parsinoma or “Capitalist Fever” in Canada have officials concerned about the possibility of a pandemic.
The first confirmed case was seen in the owner of Jungle Jack’s, a Heart of Darkness-themed restaurant popular in Canadian mining towns. Harvey Munk the chain’s owner made a request to have the Temporary Foreign Workers Program he used to staff his outpost eateries modified to an “Indentured Foreign Workers Program”. “The idea was that, in line with the restaurants’ theme, new workers could be conveyed from Africa in ships,” said Caroline Newman, acting President. “We argued with Harvey that unpaid, essentially kidnapped workers was never gonna cut it, even with Jason Kenney. He said we were doing the Indentured Workers a favour as it meant fewer mouths to feed back in the jungle.” Mr. Munk was dragged from the company’s office screaming, “Productivity, productivity!”
A second case at the Alberta-based Aberhard Institute, a pro-business think tank, went undetected for seven years. Health Department official were tipped by a report issued by the institute arguing that, as taxation on business and the wealthy harmed the economy, the tax burden should be shifted to the very poor. “We went in there, just to ask preliminary questions,” reported an official who wished to be unnamed. “When we suggested that the state could really only collect money from those that had any we saw symptoms of advanced Parsinoma.” Grant Kingman went on, “the fever hit them hard, at the mere mention of the word “taxation” they would have a violent reaction, frothing at the mouth, howling, soiling themselves. Classic tariphobia.”
Hopes that the disease was confined to Western Canada were dashed when a case was reported, yesterday, in Ottawa. Jennifer Harding, a political staffer at the Ministry of Industry, released, without approval, a discussion paper on the prospects of a mega or Uber- pipeline leading from Canada directly to China. The monster tube, with a diameter sixty four times that of the proposed Northern Gateway pipeline would convey massive quantities of completely unprocessed Canada directly to China through the center of the earth. (Minister James Moore is reported to have hatched the plan after binge watching episodes on the animated Spiderman series while eating tub after tub of cookie-dough ice-cream.) To make heavy Canadian real estate flow through the Uberpipe it would diluted by unprocessed smokestack waste pumped, in the opposite direction in a parallel tube, from China.
When Ms. Harding was confronted she demanded the assistance of the Chinese Police State which she claimed represented the interests not of the “free market” but a new, deity-like “Friendly Market”.
Reached for comment, anti-tax libertarians could only shake uncontrollably and roll their eyes back in their head.]]>
In a new study, a team of researchers has determined that only 11% of the Canadian population are paying attention to anything. “We originally set out to learn how the Ontario electorate would be making its decisions,” said Dr. Laura Vinkle, “but we discovered a profound lack of awareness of all things.”
Surveys and in-depth interviews with select subjects found that the overwhelming majority of Canadians were, most of the time, tuned out.
The human population has generally had limited focus and attention but there has been a sharp uptick in Canada over the past decade, the study found. While 17 of 20 Europeans and Asians were “out of it” 60 percent of the time, American unawareness is pegged at 76 percent and Canada a whopping 89 percent.
When contacted by URNews, a senior researcher on the project stared off into space.]]>