Canadian Taxpayer Federation accuses Mackay of gorging himself on fruit

“Woo hoo! Go Tar Sands!”

No one in the Harper Central Command will confirm it but urNews is reporting that Canada’s Minister of Ethical Oil and Asbestos, Peter Kent, had his conscience surgically removed in preparation for his humiliating performance at the Durban Climate Changes Conference.  The procedure is said to have been performed at a secret Harper Government facility that will be a prototype for the coming six tier health care system. “The Gatineau Super Hospital is a model for tier one health care,” said an unnamed official. “It will provide services to the super rich and cabinet ministers.” “Minister Kent’s conscience was very small and was easily removed without the use of a general anaesthetic,” said the official.

Kent had only been considered cabinet material because of the very small size of his conscience and because of his inability to form opinions on his own. “Steve liked him because he did what he was told without thinking about it.  That might have been good enough in the domestic arena, telling Canadians what they wanted to hear about tar sands and asbestos.  But in the international spot light, defending policies that make the Chinese look progressive? Nyaaah, it was thought even tiny amounts of vestigial morality were a risk.”

Post-op Peter Kent

Almost none of the Harper cabinet have a significant conscience.  Peter Mackay, Tony Clement, John Baird and Bev Oda were all born without one. Narcoleptic backbencher Rob Anders was subject of a conscience implant but his body rejected it.

“Common sense,” said the official, “that’s another characteristic the PM doesn’t like to see in his government. We’re working on some cutting edge medical responses to that, too.”

–with files by Paul Moth and Heber Dolphy

“He was just too complicated for Belinda. I’m glad she left him.”

Conservative insiders say that Steve Harper forgives and overlooks Peter MacKay’s almost continual string of misdeeds and lies because he has “a man crush” on his witless, bumbling Minister of Defense.  “It’s nothing like the situation with Bev Oda.  In that case Steve was just worried she would beat him up,” said an unnamed closeted homosexual in the Prime Minister’s Office. “Pete is just all those things Steve always wanted to be, but isn’t.”

Indeed, the two men are a study in contrasts.  Steve Harper is zaftig and flabby, cursed with a spare tire around his middle; Pete MacKay is trim and fit.  The athletic MacKay is considered a lady’s man; Harper is uncoordinated and has always found it difficult to talk to girls. Harper worked his way to the top political post in the land by tenacious hard work, building a far right wing Western party and using it to destroy its more tolerant Eastern cousin; MacKay benefits from one of the few Federal ridings — in feudal Nova Scotia — that is inherited.  MacKay loves to travel, all the time, everywhere, no matter what the cost; Harper is a homebody who loves to spend time in his basement playing with his hockey cards.

“Steve thinks Pete is cool and sort of lives vicariously through Pete’s wild adventures,” said the PMO official. “Ever since Pete suggested there was hanky-panky going on between him and Condelezza Rice the Prime Minister just idolizes the guy.”

MacKay’s success with women both mystifies the Prime Minister and makes him suspicious.

“A classic case of claustrophobic conservative closeting,” claims Dr. Bussey Rogers, an expert on man crushes. “Quite often, especially in high-stakes professions like politics, sports and firefighting, you regularly see superiors who assume they are inferior to those they lead or command,” say Dr. Rogers.

Canny subordinates can take advantage of this situation. “You often see the object of the man crush, in this case Pete Mackay, manipulate the infatuated one, in re Steve Harper, to their purposes. Like teen-age lovers.”

Rogers has a warning for MacKay, though. “If Harper ever figures out that MacKay is taking advantage of him, the ‘jilt’ could have serious consequences. Pubic flogging, the stocks, demotion, or even a good cussing out would not be far from the Prime Minister’s mind. Just remember the first time you got dumped. I know I do,” concluded Rogers, choking back sobs.

Habs netminder Carey Price, notorious for leaving the net — sometime dangerously — is seen here during a home game a block away from the Bell Centre at a coffee bar on Rue de la Montagne.

Carlos Murphy hosts Jazzorama, Saturdays 11 pm till whenever

“Oh yeah, even before Brian called I saw the photo on the television and thought “uh-oh that Carlos looks an awful lot like Carlos Murphy who used to do that crazy jazz show.”

Brendan Wells, a newsreader at the time, remembers “we used to take up collections to buy hash at the Spanish Caf and Carlos always came back with more than he should have — a dime for a nickel, say. We wondered just a little at this methods, but quickly forgot about it for some reason or another.”

“Carlos Murphy” also served on the Students Union Council as a representative for Foreign Students and distinguished himself by winning for them the right to take target practice in the residence quad. “Semi-automatic fire was often heard coming from Hatcher House,” former dean of Residencies Council Altho Mynton said.

Wells went on to work in print media, until being laid off.  He now works in the fast food industry. “A lot of guys went on to work in Canadian media get laid off, some other guys got various communication jobs with Government and a few even worked in the music business when there was one.  But as far as I know there was only one guy that became a woman and one guy who became a professional revolutionary, in the Leninist tradition”  Wells thought, but wasn’t certain, that the man who became “The Jackal” was the same individual who scored that amazing stickweed that time.

The hit, coming after Miller had left the net and beat Lucic to a loose puck, has sidelined the goalie indefinitely with a concussion. Lucic, meanwhile, only served a two-minute minor penalty and yesterday escaped sanction from NHL disciplinarian Brendan Shanahan, even though the hit resulted in a concussion.

But Boston fans have been poring over the tapes and are skeptical Lucic even committed the foul.

“The photographic evidence is scanty at best,” says Finn O’Leary, an ardent Bruins fan, who, in his spare time, is a 9–11 Truther. Displaying a sequence of blurry screen captures from YouTube for URNews, O’Leary says it is “highly improbable” that Miller’s helmet flew off so dramatically from contact with Lucic’s “mere” elbow.

“In the frame preceding the ‘hit’, you can detect puffs of smoke coming from either side of Miller’s head,” O’Leary says. “We think that these were charges pre-set to blow Miller’s helmet off. There is no real evidence that Lucic actually touched Miller.”

Stan Mackenzie has another theory: it wasn’t Lucic at all, but another shooter altogether, who hurt the minder. “I’ve examined every frame of the film,” says Mackenzie, a retired pipe fitter from Lowell, “and I think Lucic was set up to be a patsy.”

“In frames 407 and 410, just to the right of the Buffalo bench, above the Enterprise rent-a-car sign, there is a white puff of smoke that I believe can only emanate from a rubber bullet gun. I’m convinced that is what hit Miller in the head and concussed him. And it could only happen on Lindy Ruff’s orders.”

Harold Warren, a life-long Bruin fan from Nashua, worries that “Fucking (Lucic) is being fucked over. I think he’s been set up by the mob.” Warren surmises “this city is just fucking fucked with Mafia, and there’s something about Fucking and the (Whitey) Bulger clan that I’m not too sure about. I mean, did you see that movie, the Manchester Candidate? I live right next door to Manchester. It’s fucking weird out there.”

UnCana engineers test news methods of hydrocarbon extraction

Calgary — With the success of Hydraulic Fracturing — or “Fracking” — as a means of extracting natural gas from shale, energy companies are looking to even dirtier methods of energy extraction.

Fracking involves pumping vast amounts of fresh water — preferably bottled water, but any liquid will do — at high pressure in order to break up shale up to two kilometers below the surface, releasing natural gas. The procedure has attracted much criticism, especially from farmers in need of the fresh water, not to mention parents upset that their children’s juice boxes are routinely confiscated by oil companies desperate for liquids to feed the injection process.

But with the prospect of developing hundreds of new sources of previously inaccessible hydrocarbons, and with a thoroughly sympathetic federal government, oil companies are toying with even more powerful and expensive techniques. In Peace River, B.C., UnCana, the gigantic Calgary-based firm, is pioneering the use of massive hammers slamming repeatedly into the ground, sending piercing shock waves through the system, and essentially liquifying the gas-bearing shale.

“We call it skullfucking,” says UnCana Vice President Cal Dunphy. “This is even more effective than fracking. We’re getting a recovery rate of 92%. Virtually every ounce of gas is released, scared shitless, the boys say, from the ungodly noise of the hammer.”

Dunphy says there are other techniques currently in development, but is forbidden from discussing them. “I can tell you that one of them is called ‘Nipple Twisting’, and another we call, for lack of a better term ‘Surprise Buttsecks.”

Dunphy denied rumours that energy companies are experimenting with human and animal sacrifice and appeasement of the Elder Gods in their ceaseless quest for oil and gas, but did admit the company’s involvement in a rash of missing puppies in Prince Rupert. “Look, that was a rogue engineer, acting without company authorization,” he said. “On the other hand, those puppies were scheduled for destruction at the animal shelter anyway. And it’s quite possible that they are responsible for up to 75 kilowatt hours of power.”

“So think about that next time you fire up the X-Box, chump.”

In effort to win sympathy and distract from failure to meet deficit targets Little Jimmy Flaherty displays his dwarfish arm stump